Vermillion trims inked thunder clouds
Borne on the wings of an indigo whirlwind
Suspended under a curved, knowing moon
Ill omen stretches across the vast fierce sky
Fear tinged gales roar through the brush
Impinging upon my dearest held dignity
Drawing closer to the precipice of despair
The gnosis of heaven’s blue flash illuminates
Telepathic indications of your desires
You who remain unknowable, unseen
Why should your beauty hide its face?
Inscribing symbols upon my flesh
Entwining visions of ecstatic sensations
Scaling granite heights, insurmountable distances
Imparting visions of star-crossed grandeur
Moonlight guides my path of passion towards you
Water rains ablutions in this gothic dream
Purity calms storms in the long-protracted war
Its alchemical dimensions denaturing
I’m an echo in the caverns, stealthily passing
Fading murmurs trace interstices
Within this cauldron of mountains
As through this horrific, tempestuous hour
Revivifying whispers of me reach you
Original Passage from The Rosicrucian by Percy Bysshe Shelley:
Red thunder-clouds, borne on the wings of the midnight whirlwind,
floated, at fits, athwart the crimson-coloured orbit of the moon; the
rising fierceness of the blast sighed through the stunted shrubs,
which, bending before its violence, inclined towards the rocks whereon
they grew: over the blackened expanse of heaven, at intervals, was
spread the blue lightning’s flash; it played upon the granite heights,
and, with momentary brilliancy, disclosed the terrific scenery of the
Alps, whose gigantic and misshapen summits, reddened by the transitory
moon-beam, were crossed by black fleeting fragments of the tempest-
clouds. The rain, in big drops, began to descend, and the thunder-
peals, with louder and more deafening crash, to shake the zenith, till
the long-protracted war, echoing from cavern to cavern, died, in
indistinct murmurs, amidst the far-extended chain of mountains. In
this scene, then, at this horrible and tempestuous hour…
Formatted Passage (where prose ‘becomes’ poetry):
Red thunder-clouds, borne on the wings
of the midnight whirlwind,
floated, at fits,
athwart the crimson-coloured orbit of the moon;
the rising fierceness of the blast
sighed through the stunted shrubs,
which, bending before its violence,
inclined towards the rocks
whereon they grew:
over the blackened expanse of heaven,
at intervals, was spread the blue lightning’s flash;
it played upon the granite heights,
and, with momentary brilliancy,
disclosed the terrific scenery of the Alps,
whose gigantic and misshapen summits,
reddened by the transitory moon-beam,
were crossed by black fleeting fragments
of the tempest-clouds.
The rain, in big drops, began to descend,
and the thunder-peals,
with louder and more deafening crash,
to shake the zenith,
till the long-protracted war,
echoing from cavern to cavern,
died, in indistinct murmurs,
amidst the far-extended chain of mountains.
In this scene, then,
at this horrible and tempestuous hour…
This is in response to the Meeting the Bar challenge: Prose to Poetry by Zsa at dVerse Poets Pub: http://dversepoets.com/2011/11/10/meeting-the-bar-critique-and-craft-prose-to-poetry/.
Please join us!
You did an excellent job here Anna! The entire post was captivating. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, so nice to see you again. I hope this means you are feeling better and we can look forward to more of your excellent poetry.
i like the little nuances of how the things you changed, starting with vermillion…
Vermillion is a poetic word.
fascinating…love me some shelley but you really bring this together nice in your own voice…your last stanza being an echo in the chambers…that whole stanza just rips….great stuff anna
Thanks Brian, I didn’t even know he’d written novels until this evening but the opening of this book seemed inspiring so I read a synopsis and came up with my own story. Glad you enjoyed it :).
Beautiful language. I can hear the whispering echo. Storms can be terrifying. I am lucky to live somewhere that does not have hurricanes. I live in a place which is thirsty for rain and so perhaps that is why the storm resonates for me with hope and new life. Epic landscape. You have so much courage in your writing and sharing.
Janet, thank you kindly, it warms my heart to hear you say that. I will send thoughts of rain your way to quench the thirst of the dry land.
The colors here lead the mind into the message with their lucent presence. I’ve skipped this prompt after a busy day and haven’t even read it, but I enjoyed the sense of questioning and mysticism in your piece, Anna.
Thank you Joy, I was thinking of this passage and one from the retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth by C.S. Lewis called Till We Have Faces.
oh not at all…it was fabulous…
Haha, I was going to use a two and half page excerpt and then I remembered I have other things to do besides write to prompts :). Thanks for the reassurance.
Oh, really nice. Actually had your Lago Di Garda playing in the backdrop while reading this. Very nice on both accounts. Really like the way you formatted the piece as well as your adaptation, Vermillion is such a good word, you did a bunch of really nice word alterations here.
You know I have a bunch of his in old anthologies, but never paid much attention to him. I am curious now though, The title of this poem is very similar to a Henry Miller book the rosy crucifixion, so I wonder now, if Miller was playing around with this in some way. Haven’t read that in years though so probably not fair to try and make a connection.
Really nice Anna, thanks
Oh, thank you for listening to that, I composed it last year. As I said to Brian I didn’t even know he had written novels. This just struck me and the book I really wanted to use is still under copyright. I’m so happy you enjoyed it.
This is really lovely. It amazes me how so many words that we read can be transposed into such beautiful poetry. It is all in the the aspect of our viewing. Really enjoyed reading your choice and what you did with it.
Thank you Ginny, what a lovely thing to say. Nice to meet you!
Great job, Anna. You are without a doubt a wordsmith. I enjoyed this very much.
Tim
Thank you Tim, I’ll be by to read your work soon.
Excellent! As Brian said, you really made it your own.
Thank you, I always appreciate your feedback!
it is worth digging,
smiles.
Thank you.
Wow, Anna, this is so beautiful. I think my favorite piece of yours I’ve read (thus far).
Gorgeous language. ‘Fading murmurs trace interstices’
Love it : )
-Eva
Thank you kindly, Eva.
Read it almost twice 😀
Lovely it is.
Thanks Jyoti, you’ve spoiled me today :)!
so cool anna…love this…awesome how you converted this to poetry, brought your own voice in…captivating and absolutely beautiful
Thank you Claudia, I immediately responded to the introduction to this novel. After reading the plot synopsis I don’t think I’ll read the whole thing, it’s gothic horror. Your encouragement is always greatly appreciated.
I love Shelly and I absolutly love the poem that you have wrought from the essence of his words.
Beautifully done.
Wow, thank you Suzy Q that’s a wonderful compliment.
Wonderful combination. The Shelley is already poetry (to my mind) but you make it your own. K.
Thank you, I agree. I thought that would make the prompt easier :).
Shelley! You’re braver than I. I really like that ending. Reminds me of Elijah seeking the voice of God and finding it not in storms, but in a small voice. Turned about in your poem, so that the mighty hears the whisper of the poet.
Thank you, I love that you’ve seen to the core of the poem! of course, Shelley wouldn’t approve of my allusions :). Though it can work as a relationship metaphor too.
Amazing! Great selection!
You keep the sense of gothic lyricism alive in your own version, matching the effect in the original very nicely- for example, Shelly has red/red (clouds/moon) — you shift this to a more specific vermillion border and, nice effect, vermillion whirlwind. You continue with these nice adjustments — like Schoenberg arranging Bach — but with differences more pronounced (maybe a better analogy is a jazz artist replacing triads with sevenths and sevenths with eleventh chords.) You also open this original up to the degree it can be viewed as a metaphor (are you personalizing the heavens or leveraging that for you metaphor?)
Really took to the quality of this — this is one of those instances where one reads first for the enjoyment and the beauty of the piece and then revisits to marvel at the craft.
Thanks, the passage jumped out at me; it was fun I think I’ll try it again sometime. Metaphor is key for me turning it into poetry so glad you caught it. A lovely compliment; I appreciate your feedback.
Holy re-animator, woman! I really like the caverns, the interstices and the whispers.
Thanks FB, me too!
And I, how the narrator turns into the echo, finding a different place from which to tell the story than Shelley’s.
Sorry, your comment went to spam but here it is now. Yes, the narrator becoming the echo takes this to another level and circles back to Shelley. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I’m not familiar with the work of Shelley; I’ll look out for this one.
Fantastic what you did there. I’m seeing a pilgrim, meek, afraid but bravely navigating through caverns and passages, constantly praying, with the lightning and the red skies in the background, on her way to find her god.
Comparing what you did with the passage, yours put the reader more in the scene, feeling it more than that original passage did. Enjoyed it. 🙂
Thanks Ravenblack, I like your take and glad to hear that I succeeded in the bringing the reader into the scene :).