First, dear reader, I would be remiss if I didn’t introduce the actors, led to believe they are attending a masquerade party. All are unaware of their real role in the following poem:
Sherlock Holmes as The Master (stand-in for Mikhail Bulgakov)
Irene Adler (Lily Langtry’s stunt double) as Margarita
Professor Moriarty as Woland (Satan in disguise)
Behemoth (a giant black cat that walks upright) as Himself
Hella (red-headed succubus sexpot) as Herself
Azzazello (messenger and assassin) as Himself
Koroviev (monocle wearing, ex-choirmaster) as Himself
Special Guest Star: Abadonna (Angel of Death) as Himself
Sherlock Holmes is the most perfect reasoning
and observing machine the world has ever known
a flesh half-brother to Babbage’s analytical engine
awaiting the algorithmic potential of Ada Lovelace’s
programming genius, an Irene Adler, the woman
who, for him, eclipses and predominates her entire sex
They meet in connection to a case involving royal sexual proclivities
a matter of national security to keep these exploits quiet
but here, my indulgent reader, is where we diverge pleasantly, one hopes,
from the original scandal and propel, through blackest magic,
the characters into the absurdist fiction of Bulgakov’s masterpiece
The Master and Margarita, one of the 20th century’s greats
They think they are attending a masquerade, as divulged before,
to capture the blackmailers and solve the case but their real
purpose at the ball will be revealed in time, how perverse!
Woland never apologizes for his perversity, it is his birthright
and so he feels nothing but glee at the prospects of the evening
where one character disguises another except, of course,
his retinue: Behemoth, Hella, Azzazello, Koroviev, and Abadonna
Hella greets Holmes at the entrance hall, seeing through his disguise
she whispers in his ear, her hot breath introducing an inferno into the
cold, crisp workings of that computer, frying his circuits and rewiring
his desire, suddenly it occurs to him what the woman could be –
worse, he begins to see his abhorrence of love as some kind of
failing of imagination, of mental machinations, a straightjacket
on the mind that he’d willingly maneuver out of this evening
Irene is already in attendance, decked out in negligee at the arm
of Professor Woland who is promising tricks that will so astound
the world will bow to his every whim – the monocle clad Koroviev
is conducting a choir of naked nymphs pouting ohms and ahs in
metronomic precision, creating a squirming sensation for all in attendance
Behemoth is complaining that this poem won’t allow him to show
off all his wit, niggling ingenuity, or copious personality –
‘I’m sorry to say this is true, they’ll just have to get to know you
through the original work, you’re too awesome for poetry, great cat.’
Azazello is happily performing the duty of bouncer, simultaneously
appearing and disappearing pedants, cranks, parvenus, virtuosi,
enthusiasts, rapacious, and incompetent men of all kinds
like the author of menippean satire he relishes his role, if anyone
really challenges his authority he summons Abadonna, who arrives
with bellowing music, whinnying horses, and magnificent wings
to smite the unworthy and offensive from the ballroom floor
Woland sidles up to Holmes handing Irene to him: ‘Did you know
that Margarita here once used inductive and deductive reasoning
to figure out that Orson Scott Card was politically opposed to same
sex marriage simply by reading parts of Speaker for the Dead,
realizing that he meant to deny them full citizenship and found
barring their legal rights to be an excellent way to accomplish this end?
I sit with him on the Board of Directors of the National Organization
for Marriage. Impressive mental acuity don’t you think? Though less
impressive in this day and age of Google. I reminded her she could
simply look him up on Wikipedia, that’s how I found him.’
Holmes picks up some irregularity in Moriarty’s speech (of course he’s
seen right through the disguise you doubting Thomases!) but he’s
too focused on the allure of Irene’s breasts to take that thought
to its logical conclusion and is therefore as taken aback by
what happens next as you will be once you find out what it is
This surprise of her curiosity and skill he finds titillating, that he suddenly,
in his mind’s eye, sees her performing all these mental gymnastics
in the nude ending in the splits is quite enough to secure his
seduction, of course, on her end, his monumental reputation has
already secured her affections though she had previously come to
the conclusion that a man of such meticulous rumination would not
consider a consummation of mutual attraction beneficial, yet here
was a glimmer and she thought the devil might have something to
do with the introduction of Holmes’ strange, rhapsodic nature
At this point, because, my covetous readers, the story might get too long
and confusing, Moriarty, disguised as Woland, disguised as Satan,
addresses the audience to reveal his most glorious trick of all, the one
that will secure his domination – slowly his head revolves 360 degrees
unscrewing, a counter revolution like the oppression of the state,
to unveil his plot – the entire ballroom inhales for the surprise at
finding two small, white cartoon mice beneath the robotic head!
‘I am not Professor Woland, nor Moriarty disguised as Woland, nor even
Beelzebub disguised as Woland, but Brain, and this is my assistant, Pinky’
‘Narf!’ ‘We are his experiments, he underestimated us and in the nights
leading up to tonight we built this robot in his likeness so that we might
gather you all here, stealing Woland’s retinue and astonishing you all
with our surprise: this time we will be successful in our aim to take
over the world. For once our plans have not been foiled; you are all
hypnotized and will do anything I command! (To Pinky) Are you pondering
what I’m pondering?’ ‘I think so Brain, but where are we going to find
enough Weiner schnitzel and dancing bears to fill up Buckingham Palace?’
In the panic that ensues Sherlock and Irene sneak out the fire exits to begin,
against all sense, a tempestuous love affair in the upper bedroom of 221B
Baker Street, immediately transported from the ball by the wicked powers
of the robotic Moriarty, which as you well know, conceals the blueprint of
a wild scheme for world domination executed by two laboratory mice
What precisely occurs once they reach the flat we leave to the copious
imagination and deductive powers of you, salacious reader, (beat)
‘Heavens, that is quite a graphic imagination you have, I will avert my eyes’
you’ve made even Behemoth blush which is very unbecoming in a cat
The introduction of Pinky & the Brain’s ‘grit’, an intrusion into Holmes’
own delicate and finely adjusted temperament became a distracting factor
which threw a doubt upon all his mental results, for grit, in a sensitive instrument,
or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, could not be more disturbing
than a strong emotion like his newfound love in a nature such as his
Thus the inner workings are slipped sideways and like the Master
he finds himself committed to the asylum awaiting the loyal love
of Margarita to strike the bargain, attend Satan’s ball, fulfilling all its
wild requirements: wearing the outrageous and heavy poodle pendant,
showing deference to all, and who could forget the anointing in blood!
Thereby getting the story right, releasing him from bondage to spend
his remaining days in the upper bedroom of 221B Baker Street with Irene,
where despite her continued protestations he gives up his ambitions,
broken by the state of things in the postmodern world, reason slain
by the singsongy refrain in his mind ‘We’re Animaney, Totally Insane-y,
Pinky and the Brain-y —– Animaniacs!!!! Those are the facts!’
Notes: Hahaha (maniacally, in the fashion of Dr. Horrible, who it should be said is a consummate aficionado and proponent of the craft of the evil laugh) not today, cartoons never explain themselves! MASOLIT forever!
In all seriousness, I am hosting Meeting the Bar today at dVerse Poets Pub where we’ll be exploring the high/low cultural divide through the lens of postmodernism and hopefully having some fun doing it. Please join us: http://dversepoets.com/2012/11/01/meeting-the-bar-postmodern-highlow-art/.
haaha this is a riot…i love the commentary within….what a wicked imagination you have as well…on the par with the meeting between poe and colleridge in ‘so edgar allen poe was driving a car’…some fav parts….Moriarty, disguised as Woland, disguised at Satan,
addresses the audience to reveal his most glorious trick of all, the one
that will secure his domination – slowly his head revolves 360 degrees
unscrewing, a counter revolution like the oppression of the state,…lol….nice….i feel completely inadequate now with mypiece….maybe need to write another now….
I’m so pleased you enjoyed the humor. It’s been way too long since I wrote a funny poem and I was dying to try this mash up. I don’t know that poem so I’m listening to it now. No way you need to write another, yours was awesome :D! I am looking forward to this prompt!
Wow! Quite the weaving of the high/low cultural divide and just a romp of a tale! You’re wide ranging and deep plunging mind never ceases to amaze me.
Yes, sometimes it is fun to romp around and today I gave myself a good excuse to do it. Thanks so much for the visit, I hope you’ll consider joining us today :).
Laughing here, poor Sherlock, he never stood a chance. What a tale Anna, superb piece of fun and, writing! *Amazed (again) in PEI
Yes, I unfairly introduced the deadly cartoon principle which trumps reason every time :D.
Great weaving of fictional characters and celebrities from different genres
Thanks John and for linking up today!
What a romping good time! Can’t beat the Animaniacs, nicely done.
So glad you enjoyed it!
If Sherlock Holmes ever got laid, this is what it would look like, all right… love the references to Orson Scott Card, an intriguing writer and total mental case (not that the two don’t often go together).
Haha, on Holmes getting laid. I’m glad you enjoyed the reference. I was pressed for time this morning when I wrote it and had to come up with an example so I used Orson Scott Card – I remember exclaiming that conclusion to the air and having to find facts to back up my assertion. Turns out, quite satisfyingly, I was right.
Master and Margarita is one of my favourite books
Fantastic, I really need to reread it and this has inspired me to do just that.
Elementary my dear … not 🙂 What a tale. If someone taught a class, not that I know anyone who does, he/she could spend a week on this piece alone. I love all the references, and cameos, pure enjoyment of being in your mind’s presence. Mental gymnastic in the nude has me a bit preoccupied right now 🙂 but needless to say, well done, most excellente!
Thanks for big laughs I needed them. I’ve definitely had someone tell me my work is created to torture future grad students, haha. So happy you got a kick out of it!
I got more than a kick out of it, but I also think it would be an interesting study that took longer than one or two reads. You weave in and out, and show this, and dangle that, and it is kool to make all of the connections, and share what was felt. I’ve written five line poems I’ve felt covered a years of life and have it not recognized. I believe good work, like yours needs to be recognized and now back to the sex part:)
I had to laugh at ‘show this and dangle that’ like poetry as a strip tease. There’s a sex part? Oh, right, that part I left to the reader’s imagination :O!
Probably just me, but I can’t help that 🙂
Anna–this is brilliant. Loved every minute of this crazy ride 😉
Thanks Susan, what a lovely compliment!
This was quite a funny and outrageous tale…Poor Holmes but he is quite entertained so we will leave him occupied with more pressing matters ~
Oh, you brought the giggles with that one :D!
“worse, he begins to see his abhorrence of love as some kind of
failing of imagination, of mental machinations, a straightjacket
on the mind that he’d willingly maneuver out of this evening”
FYI: To read your poems I have to cut and paste them into Word to gain space at the left edge (where else I claustraphobe off a cliff edge), to arrive at a higher contrast (else tearfully read even the funniest constructons), to achieve a true 12-point type (where I leap lines else as if on a flying trapeze) and then I must get a cup of tea. Here making the effort has led to major fun.
I love Orson Scott Card as homophobe–whether deduced or googled, and this was too funny commentary as they intellectually fence with their minds in breasts and pants:
“on her end, his monumental reputation had
already secured her affections though she had previously come to
the conclusion that a man of such meticulous rumination would not
consider a consummation of mutual attraction beneficial . . . ”
HaHa: “‘I think so Brain but where are we going to find
enough Weiner schnitzel and dancing bears to fill up Buckingham Palace?’”
and again! “which threw a doubt upon all his mental results, for grit, in a sensitive instrument,
or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, could not be more disturbing
than a strong emotion like his newfound love in a nature such as his . . .”
And then following the what ifs into the mental hospital and back into the cage with the lab rats. (I think he is always foiled who has to stand and wait, but waiting, in certain sciences is the only moral thing to do.)
Sorry to hear about the need to cut and paste. WordPress can be rather inflexible with formatting. I love that you call it intellectual fencing and that you laughed throughout. Your comments are always fascinating, it’s great to see you again.
Did they make movie out that book. At one time this was my favorite book of all times and it still is. I loved what you did with it and sherlock holmes.
They did though I haven’t seen it. Wonderful to hear it is a favorite of yours and you enjoyed my playing with the characters.
This poetic behemoth flexes its comedic muscle as Conan Doyle meets Woody Allen, with Oscar Wilde editing & Noel Coward orchestrating; your imagination appears lean and hungry, perpetual, inexorable; and I love it.
Wow, that’s a fantastic compliment, thank you.
see…i never expected sherlock holmes to appear in a poem…and not at all in a postmodern poem..ha…so cool anna…enjoyed it much
So wonderful when I can surprise you Claudia :D!
This is hilarious, quite the trip, surreal even. So many mergers, it’s really fun, the pinky and the brain stuff is crazy, so funny. I had a lot of trouble trying to come up with something, gave it a stab though, this is absolutely fantastic. Thanks
So glad you enjoyed the surreal fun. If you haven’t had a chance to read The Master and Margarita it’s well worth the time. It is a novel within a novel as The Master has written a book on Pontius Pilate. Sorry to hear you struggled but thrilled you met the challenge. Thanks, especially for ‘absolutely fantastic’.
Wow! This would have made a fantastic Postmodern novel – and that’s NOT a criticism, by the way… quite the reverse. I can do no more than step back in amazement. Incredible!
Thanks David, I’m so glad you decided to join us.
A tour de force! An inside view into the machinations of a brilliant mind. Hilarious juxtapositions. I feel embarrassed only devoting a few lines to this work as it deserves an in depth study. Some of the images like the naked nymph choir pouting ‘ohms’ with a monocled conductor LOL and concepts such as same sex marriage mixed in with Sherlock Holmes, Moriarty lab rats wiener shnitzels and dancing bears in Buckingham Palace are mind bendingly hilarious but most importantly for me at least, this type of insanity (and I use the term in the creative complimentary sense) cannot be learnt. It is a gift. How long did it take you to write this poem?
Haha, well call me ‘gifted’. Once I decided what I was going to use as the raw material I would say it took about half an hour to draft, about half an hour to revise, and then another half an hour to figure out if all the commas were in the right places!
Such creative imagination. I am back to read the fourth time, there’s too much in here for me to take in at one go. So well done.
Thank you and especially for the rereads :D!
so fun, Anna! I like this side of your writing. Love those Animaniacs, too, though Sherlock can be just as goofy. (there’s a new TV series on about him called “Elementary” – it’s pretty good.)
Thanks Sheila! I don’t let this silly side out much as with the Animaniacs people often want to shove me back in the tower :D!
I felt like a kid having a story read to her for the first time… I’m struggling to write this form… guess I’m not a modern Milly
I was trying to give that feel, thank you. I’m almost to your offering. After a quick break I’ll be there :).
witty and astute brilliance Anna. ‘a wild scheme for world domination executed by two laboratory mice’ is one of my favorite lines -all of your stanza ending lines are wonderfully deft. Your prompt is compelling, I loved reading Gilda again. This poem, slanting towards the epic, is great reading fun! Have a wonderful weekend!
Jane, how marvelously kind of you! I hope your weekend is smashing too :D!
That combines magnificent and fun in the most astounding way! Thanks for the visit.
It was my pleasure to read your poem :)! Thank you for your kind words.
Hilarious and wondrous. I love every word – what genius. I feel immersed in this story. The new BBC Sherlock and the episode of A Scandal in Belgravia (and merging of course with the Conan Doyle version re Bohemia) was excellent!!!! If one has seen that episode the steaminess boils right into your prose/poem episode with Pinky & the Brain (teeheehee) and world dominance. I laughed and loved it. It was steampunk + 10 and definitely postmodern WOW.
Yes I was given Sherlock seasons 1&2 for my birthday so A Scandal in Belgravia was on my mind :D. So wonderful to know it made you laugh and you were immersed. You’ve made me smile big time, thanks so much dear Gay!
oh my, your mind, i can hardly keep up with it… this is marvelous, a comedy/tragedy postmodern vision. you are a true genius, i am quite certain that cleverbot cringes every time you come by. i think i missed the mark completely with my piece, though i was feeling all apocalyptic when i wrote it. your words are always magic. pure magic.
Haha, I love the idea of Cleverbot cringing, you gave me the giggles. I did think your piece was rather dark for you but I found it fantastic. Also, I was so happy to see you that I had to change my mood to something more appropriate after I arrived at your blog. I came in puppy enthusiasm and then switched to serious tail between my legs, ears down, eyes empathetic :). Kelly you are a fabulous friend.
n the panic that ensues Sherlock and Irene sneak out the fire exits to begin,
against all sense, a tempestuous love affair in the upper bedroom of 221B
Baker Street, immediately transported from the ball by the wicked powers
of the robotic Moriarty, which as you well know, conceals the blueprint of
a wild scheme for world domination executed by two laboratory mice
Hilarious Anna! Pitting Sherlock into trying some steamy scenes is classic. Irene is conveniently there for the asking. He’s more than just a sleuth apparently. Great!
Hank
Thanks Hank, it was a lot of fun to write!
Beautiful Anna! I especially love your characters 😀
A very exciting piece 🙂
Thank you, they were a fantastic cast of characters to play with :D!
surreal. i imagine russian dolls, layers of character and mind. it reminds me of the suggestion that there are only 7? plots and all stories fit patterns. i can imagine holmes thinking that there are limited plots if you only take the pattern of logic without all the feeling and nuance of a story.
without culture or context. i can’t imagine holmes retired, what would he find in himself if he releases the deductive machinery, perhaps like a beach walking machine or an arthur ganson machine he finds poetry in machinery. i wish we were as literate about the mechanics of ecology so that our voices and hands could be harmonic and empathic to the pattern of species we live among.
That would be a beautiful and transformative literacy, I wish for it too :).