Please note: This poem is not about abortion or adoption but the decision not to have children for ethical reasons.
Click here to listen to Sophia Celeste read
Awakening
Oil on Pigment Print 2004
Anna Montgomery
A supreme act of love,
to spare her this world
not creating her
immersing her
in the vessel of embodiment
to set foot to damp earth
breathe electric air
Traversing from emergence
to denouement of swan’s song
A kindness, a blessed mercy
leaving my Sophia Celeste,
heavenly wisdom,
a disembodied cherub
My darling girl
I couldn’t expose you
all the destruction
abuses, famines and disasters
both personal and impersonal
Unleash you consuming
onto a ravaged world
clamoring among billions
to delineate your lot
suckling a weary breast
I knew the sacrifice
willingly paid to ethics
So often I miss you
yearning for the demulcent
tuft of your hair
gentle slope of your nose
cradled in the curve of my neck
It is a physical wrenching
a phantom birthing pain
this separation from you, my beloved
My baby love, sweet angel
whose effervescent wisp
the merest hint of whom
invokes requiem verses
laments of agony resounding
in a refrain of abandonment
I left you in the gilded cage of imagination
never to awaken
Chromapoetica 
A painful read, and the textures here are as raw as any palette knife could lay them on. Sometimes it hurts to be merciful, indeed, and every stanza shows another facet of the power of the maternal, the desire to spare the child pain at any cost to oneself, in this case it sounds like the entire existential pain of being. Brave to write so deeply and personally about it, with such ringing words. Thank you.
Yes, it’s amazing how maternal I feel towards a being I purposely decided not to create. Many people have disagreed with my ethical choice to never have children. I do believe overpopulation is the root of ecological disaster. It was certainly the hardest ethical action that has required the most sacrifice. Thank you for your sensitivity and engagement.
Anna, I honor you for your difficult decision. This is a beautiful write about a subject hard to even think about, much less to write from the heart as you have done. I have worked with so many kids who are leading such desperate, cruel lives. I am sure many of them would agree with your decision, as would their mothers who are usually alone and in dire circumstances. Hugs, pat
Thank you for your kind words Pat, I also work with troubled young people. *hugs back*
a very beautiful poem
a very real love
Thank you for your kind comment, it is quite heartening.
The pain in this cuts deeply, but the love eases the response. You chose a beautiful, heavenly name for this child. Thank you for giving me a peek of what it is like to make that decision–one that could not have been an easy one. Peace, Anna.
Thanks Victoria, I just asked Joy if she thought this might be misconstrued as a poem about abortion or giving up a child for adoption so I’ve added a note at the end. I’ve had lots of readers and no comments which is highly unusual. Could always just be the writing :).
The writing is beautiful. I read it at first as being about abortion. I think people are sometimes afraid of expressing their views on such a sensitive issue. I can’t imagine having to face that question. I am pro-life myself, but can not judge anyone. We all have our own understanding and I think it’s so important to respect one another. The writing is beautiful (as I already said) and so are you. And the decision not to have children is understandable right now. (My kids are dogs!–or maybe I should clarify, my dogs are my kids) :0)
Thank you Victoria, I also have dog ‘kids’ that we rescued from shelters. I appreciate your reassurance and understanding.
i left you in the gilded cage of imagination…your close is very evocative…not necessarily about abortion but to me it was almost a weighing of everything and deciding not to have kids, never giving her the chance…her being this dream of a child…it is a rather intriguing write…i think you wrote it beautifully…
it has been rather quiet online this evening so i would not be too alarmed…smiles.
Thanks Brian, I have had a spike in traffic this evening, which is very unusual, without comments (also unusual) so I just felt I might need to check in and see if I had accidentally miscommunicated. It was the hardest decision I’ve made, not to have children. I made it 15 years ago so this is something I’ve had a long time to deal with the consequences of and if I live longer there will be the consequence of no grandchildren too. Thanks for the reassurance.
Sadly, I don’t think either side of this issue is painless–I know many who have rightfully agonized over their never born children terribly, and I also know many, including myself, who have agonized equally over the kids they had but were helpless to protect, or ended up losing. In our minds we see the loss of a perfect mother-child relationship and mourn it, (in fact I think it’s healthy to celebrate it as you do here with a consciousness of its full worth) but from either side, the reality is often too complex to really get perspective on from up close. There are so many variables, no one can ever know in advance how it may turn out. It’s like my childhood sorrow at not having known my father wearing off when I saw the fathers of some of my friends, and realized no father was MUCH better than that. Or so it seemed. I don’t know if any of this is comforting or not, but the might have beens, I think, are often the deepest wounds we bear.
I also neglected to mention, as Victoria said, what a wonderful name you had chosen–it struck me instantly when I read it as such a perfect embodiment of what we hope for for our children– that they be blessed with a higher wisdom to sustain them.
I have many things to thank you for so I will send them in an e-mail (I had to run off this mornning to sing the Stabat Mater appropriately or ironically :).
for some there is a tension to being without issue.
it can feel like being without purpose without love without a forwards.
impossible things can be inexpressibly sharp.
i agree with you that we only have one ecological context
perhaps those of us without issue can
imagine ourselves participants in a gaian family
transient elements within a beautiful whole
maybe not being born is a kind of gift
an absence which makes the heart stronger
or the whole stronger, a fecund void,
a fertile substrate for other life
some of us bring much wonder and hope to the world
i would like to contribute constructively too
the how is not transparent to me
i find it easy to believe i am not born, that i am void
although i am very clumsy and do not have the elegance of emptiness
perhaps learning these things is
what it means to walk lightly on the earth
A Gaian family is a wonderful concept and so comforting. Once again, thank you for such a meaningful and beautiful poem in response.
Oh my gosh, this was heartbreaking to read, but beautifully written nevertheless. I almost started crying here: “gentle slope of your nose cradled in the curve of my neck” … I feel a longing to hug you, beautiful mother.
Thank you for your kindness. I have many young people in my life, goddaughters, friend’s children, and I mentor, it helps me be a different kind of mother.
Sophia Celeste is a lovely name for your little girl.
these last two lines cut deep anna – for me the poem speaks of both, pain and peace with the decision.
i much like the
setting foot to damp earth and breathing electric air because this speaks of high voltage tension and drew me right into the scene
Yes, there is pain and peace, these decisions bring both which is part of maturity I think, knowing that you’ll have a spectrum of feelings as you face consequences. Thank you for recognizing the ‘high voltage tension’ as that’s how I experience it, even all these years later.
A beautiful poem Anna…….a powerful expression of love and protection towards the child you chose not to physically conceive, but nevertheless is truly conceived, she lives in your imagination and heart…and your words to me shared a deep continuing pain from that decision….the central image of her nestled in your neck is very poignant and vivid, very touching, and painfully so because we know it cannot be…. Mothers are such an emotive fundamental for us all, and the issues around conceptualised ideals of motherhood, are a fundamental within ‘our’ (Western) society. These ideals do not reflect life, and the reality of individual experience for many, nor express the hard decisions some people feel they have to take. Thank you for sharing from deep within your personal realm, with real bravery and grace.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. Yes, it is such an emotive fundamental and as I get older I am viewed with increasing suspicion and get questioned much more about this decision. It is always interesting to see how society responds to personal choices. I’m off to sing, of all things, Pergolesi’s Stabat Mater. So wonderful to see you here, as always!
My wife is childless for many reasons — it didn’t make financial sense during her peak years, nor was there sufficient love at the time, she had a hysterectomy at age 40, and then she never did quite have the feral instinct for having one — simply and most essentially, she wasn’t wired for it like some women (like my sister, who’s raised 4 kids wonderfully). There’s a cultural stigma for a childless woman, as if she was not fulfilling her essential purpose — and there’s the ache she deeply still feels for that lack, which she has filled with creative efforts and being a mother par excellence to every cat we’ve taken in. Spiritualizing that lost child as Sophia Celeste — the sol-child out there among the stars — enacts the union apart from vale of tears in this world (that’s why, I guess, you call it ethical). My childhood sucked, and three of my siblings (one of them now dead) were childless, perhaps for the same reasons. Men aren’t wired for child-raising the way woman are, though many eagerly participate and wish for children. I think of poems of children, tiny jots of starlight loosed on the great stream, to fare for themselves as spiritual entities.
..I left you in the gilded cage of imagination
never to awaken …
But then, that encirclement is also a womb, and each creation is a birth. But then your maternal sadness has a magnitude I can’ reach …
I agree with the cultural stigma. I’m happy your wife has fulfilling endeavors to replace the role of mother in her life. That’s key to peaceably living with it for me. Thank you as always for your helpful and insightful comments. The encirclement is a lovely concept, each creation a birth. Honestly this was hardest in my early 30s when the hormones kicked up a storm. In my mid 30s I’m faring better.
Even mothers mourn when they can no longer conceive. Sometimes it’s a choice and sometimes it’s made for us. So many children in the world that need love, hug one today. Passionate write..
I will do that, thank you for your touching reminder. I have many young people in my life that need the love you speak of and I volunteer with young people as well.
Hey Anna,
Wow – you have really stimulated people with this write and provoked a great deal of considered comment which is a credit in itself. I found this piece to be perhaps one of the most moving pieces i have ever read. You describe something so profound with such care and hearing you read with such tender tones i felt every word and emotion. The melancholic beauty is palpable – in fact with personal connection i literally taste the bitterness of your subject – not that you are bitter (I mean me) You handle this concept the way i would if i were a better man.
Father hood as with many things is not for me – i have written some on this subject and will publish soon – for many reasons. I am an uncle twice over and they are amazing children.
Your words are cathartic.
I found your comments on my board fascinating as ever – many of the things you suggest are very present – some unconsciously others at the front but all true and real.
Thanks anna
Thank you Arron, I’m glad the comment was of use, I was awfully tired :). Your kindness and gentle acknowledgment are greatly appreciated. It is especially helpful to hear that you found resonance in the expression – it’s difficult to say, harder to live with, and more frightening to share. Authenticity, integrity, and emotional honesty end up being the only way, for me, through life and your respectful engagement is valued.
wow a beautiful powerful poem, thank you for sharing
Thank you!
Funny about the name but my daughter is named Sofia. You and I talked about children in this prompt but in different ways and in different path. I wanted children in my marriage, but becoming a mother is a learning process. Just because one has kids doesn’t mean that the instinct to be become mother is suddenly there. It comes through time with nurturing and investing in them, just like what people do with their pets or hobby or a creative activity.
You have written a touching and emotional poem which I and anyone can relate to here. Your words are terrific though sad and haunting. There are decisions we make, and sometimes decisions we can’t undo. As long as we are happy with our choices, then its our life to make and create.
Sofia is such a beautiful name, thank you for sharing your lovely tribute to her with us and your kind comments. All women have to come to terms with motherhood and I agree we have to make peace with those decisions. Poetry is one of the ways I do that.
Anna, I honor your decision, your choice. This is a discussion my husband and I have often, and I think perhaps I’ll try to convince him to read this piece, to better help me explain my own position in the great debate. I believe it is one of the most unselfish choices one can make, to devote that kind of nurturing, love and care. The Gods know there aren’t enough decent Mom’s around! We are often regarded as odd because we made the choice to have one child, amongst those who have had more. You will always be judged for every single minute decision you make in this world, let alone one such as this.
Thank you, this is a sensitive subject and one all women face at some point. My husband came to this decision for different reasons than I did. He never wanted to be a father and so I think it has been much easier for him. He went and took care of it biologically which meant I didn’t have to. It always surprises me how much we are scrutinized and questioned. When we lived in a big city it wasn’t as difficult to avoid. Living in a tiny town in the mountains I find less people who understand why we made these choices. Always wonderful to hear your perspective!
i cannot see the central image
i can see a tree of life
integral vital
perhaps there are kids in the tree learning
about the wonder of nature
and because of such a tree we breathe
i have not been clear or steady like a parent
flailing about with too many words
and too much dreaming to belong
panic and burning things defensively
abandoning wisdom, gaping at the world
looking for friendship and connection
chaotic and lost
i have been blessed in my life
i am surrounded by good people
perhaps i can find peace in myself
so that i could be more like them
if it is ok to celebrate a requiem
i think i can just plant trees
and in them give thanks
Anna thank you for this thread. hug
*Hugs back* I remember when we were in Jordan last year they talked about when they repelled the Ottomans in World War 1. One of the first things they did to ‘celebrate a requiem’ was to replant trees. They knew they were necessary for the psychological well being of the population as well as the ecological health. May we all plant trees, literally and figuratively, in our lives.
Heart-rending!
Thank you for reading.
Anna, this brought tears to my eyes because of the love that you poured into this decision and the feelings you have expressed here. This was written with such sensitivity and tenderness and I admire and commend you for living your truth. Truly touching…I still feel tears.
Thank you for your empathy and kind comment. I especially appreciate your acknowledgment of the love that went into the decision.
The pain of not having young voices to break the silence. it is a torture to be making decisions prompted by religious considerations or principles in life. Sacrifices imposed by sanctity of self and strict upbringing have their virtues. Beautiful poem! And thanks for dropping by.
Yes, we all have to make choices like this and resolve our feelings and the values that undergird our decisions. Thank you for your comment.
I had to read it twice…the second time after reading the explanatory note. It turned my heart over both times. I don’t know if it is a universal thing or not, but I do know that mothering is in my deepest soul. I raised one child, my son, but he is grown and these days I nurture my pets, and my friends, and my poems.
I wanted to thank you sincerely for the fantastic comment at my Word Garden. It made my day.
Yes, I too feel that deep need to mother and try to find appropriate outlets for its expression. I’m so glad you enjoyed the comment, it was my great pleasure to meet your living art.
I am speechless, the footnote did make me read the poem twice, very moving.
Thank you for stopping by and your kind comment. Maybe I should put the footnote at the top, or consider making it clearer within the poem itself.
A beautiful and obviously heartfelt poem, Anna. Very well done!
Here is my offering for this first Gooseberry Garden picnic: http://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/this-eden/
Thank you Charles for your visit and kind words.
Kudos to you. I agree with you and so does the Chinese government I believe.
Nice piece!!!
Here’s my offering: http://lynnaima.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/vanished/
Thanks! I enjoyed your dose of reality in Vanished.
Wow…just wow!
As far as the ethical implications, all of the world’s major problems can be traced back, in one way or another, to overpopulation. Anyone who would criticize someone else for not having children, in this day and age, just isn’t thinking.
Yes they can and no they aren’t but then you had a sneaking suspicion I’d agree with you :). Thanks for the visit and comment.
I am glad you put the footnote there I thought it was about abortion and was feeling quite nauseous It might be better to put it at the beginning since you mentioned it. Your writing is beautiful.
I will refrain from commenting on your reasons for not having children other than to say that I disagree and that she would have had a very special purpose in this world IMHO.
I am sorry for your loss.
I can feel yor grief as you mourn the idea of that which you willingly chose to not to realize. It seems a bit ironic to me. I feel some regret in your words but I am probably displacing my own emotions into your meaning because by your comments I can see that you don’t regret your decision.
I do commend you for your honesty and courage in sharing. And for that I am grateful. You have given me something to ponder 🙂
Sheila, I appreciate your thoughtful and honest comment. I have moved the note to the top to avoid confusion. There used to be a couple lines in the poem where I acknowledged the contemptible (my word) nature of my grief, the irony, but they were lost in the last edit. Thank you for sharing your disagreement, I respect it. I do regret and stand my decision at the same time that’s part of what makes it difficult. I appreciate that you were willing to comment despite your disagreement. I apologize for making you nauseous, it was not my intent.
I never saw the footnote and assumed this piece was about abortion, although I knew it could also be about deciding not to conceive children. I think the possibility of the piece going either way probably made it resonate with a lot of women who have travelled such roads. There is a world of hurt out there (and in there), and when hurt finds hurt people heal together.
So very true. Thank you for the return visit.
Would you mind taking a look at my newest poem, “Eve and Adam, Altered”? I can’t decide if it’s decent or if it’s garbage. It’s always such a fine line for me. : ) … You might be able to help me make the distinction.
Sure, I’ll be there shortly and hopefully be of help :).
This is tremendous stuff. It – or the occasion for it – obviously affected you deeply – as it has me, so I will not trample in with my awkward remarks and lack of understanding, just enjoy it once more! Much thanks.
Thank you, David I am sometimes overwhelmed by the concept of blogging (I just started this in late June) and don’t always know how to respond well to reader input. I appreciate your respect and acknowledgement of the affect this has had on my life and will continue to have. Thank you for your engagement in the work.
Strong emotions with strong actions…
those lines speak a lot more than just its meaning
Yet again a fantastic post from u 🙂
Thanks for the continued poetic encouragement Jyoti, I look forward to reading what you’ve been posting.
Wow, So powerful. Even decisions we make because we feel they are the right ones for us, can hurt.
Emotional and intense write.
aka, thingy. : )
So true and I think coming to terms with that pain is an important part of acceptance. Thanks for reading and commenting, Thingy. I really enjoyed your Potluck post.
I applaud anyone who decides having children is not for them for any reason. The reason I say that is too many have them just because they think have to. While I think they are a gift to many including myself. People having them without really wanting them is a bad idea. And in any case the decision is personal and should not be questioned by others. Now to the poem it is a very strong piece full of great images. Of course I like the Swan reference 🙂
Thanks Swanrose, I agree with you that children are a tremendous gift. You wrote a wonderful poem for Potluck, I enjoyed it very much.
I am so glad you wrote this. It is such an important topic to discuss. I had all of these feelings, so unsure about whether or not I wanted to bring a child/children into the world but having that intense longing to. I did choose to have children, but I see the sacrifice of making a choice that is right for you here, a choice that didn’t come easy. This is beautiful 🙂
Thank you Lori, now I’ve gone and cried (in a good way). Yes, we need to discuss these issues in the open, often the taboo of certain topics means we have to make major decisions without the helpful input of others. I’m sure your children are a source of immense joy in your life and I’m glad you’ve seen that I am not advocating a position to foist upon others but simply exploring my own choice and its emotional consequences. I’m glad it resonated with you.
what fundamental piece,
rich and deep discussion, blessings.
Happy Poetry Picnic!
🙂
Thanks Ji and many thanks for continuing your great service connecting poets! Happy Poetry Picnic to you too!
When you hear an angel sing,
You know she’s waiting in the wings,
She’ll never be earthward bound,
The heavenly choir will keep her sound.
Life is full of difficult choices. The one you made is very difficult. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the lovely poem!
Anna,
Hi there I am a regular reader but only occasionally comment. I had to comment here, I am awed by how you communicate such deep and honest feelings with such beauty. Also I think the painting works very well as an introduction to the poem. the abstraction of the birdcage(?) is a great metaphor for how we create our lives through the decisions we make but also how what we don’t get in life can stay with us, as we ponder what could have been in that cage. Looking forward to your next post!
Great to hear from you again and thank you for your regular readership. I appreciate your compliment and insight. I look foward to your next comment :)!
thank you for the birthday wishes today over at dverse…smiles.
You’re very welcome smiley :)!
Lovely poem. So wonderful to see original art.
Thank you for the compliment and mentioning the art.
your words stir and make powerful imagery.
thanks for the continued support.
keep us inspired.
see you next time.
🙂
Thank you for your comment, I look forward to linking up again!
prettily told- just how it should be.. nice to be of acquaintance thru gooseberry..
Thank you, nice to meet you.
You have painted your feelings and pains visually in this poem..well written
Thank you.